Falling in love in comparison can be experienced as a process that is beyond the individuals control. Rising in love acknowledges that you are your own person within the relationship, you are able to make choices and so can your partner. As one study found: being able to to effectively relate to one another helps during times of turbulence, an inevitability in relationships.
Relationships require ongoing work: communication, understanding, honesty, kindness, respect, boundaries and working together are crucial.
Relating to one another is an ongoing process where we are constantly learning about the other person relating does not end once you are married or have changed your social media status to “In a Relationship”. As individuals, we relate to each other with distinct needs, experiences, identities, values and many other differences. Rising in love recognises that relationships require work. The Shackleton Project, a longitudinal study on relationships by the University of Exeter found that in thriving relationships, there are realistic expectations of the relationship and a ‘developmental’ outlook meaning couples expected to have to ‘work at’ the relationship”.
To rise in love treats love as fluid there isn’t a black-and-white trajectory of being either in or out of love, but rather recognition that feelings vary waning love doesn’t necessarily have to mean a doomed relationship. Instead of love being at our mercy, a state that we fall into and can easily fall out of, it is something that is nurtured and built upon. Rising in love encourages a mindset of growth, maturity and learning. Instead of falling in love, a more fruitful notion is to “rise in love”. To think of love as something to fall into can be limiting to relationships and in some cases erroneous. These take a fraction of a second to reach the brain, and some studies have shown that just looking at a person you love can activate the same brain region that creates the feelings of euphoria associated with some drugs.Falling in love is an idealised story so deeply embedded in our linguistic repertoire that alternative ways of conceptualising the experience through language don’t come easy. Neurologically speaking, the bonds we feel that we know as love are due to the hormones oxytocin and vasopressin, which activate the reward centre in our brain. A poll done in 2013 found that 65 per cent of gay men believe in love at first sight, while 60 per cent of lesbians do. Other types of relationships have been comparatively understudied, though a 2000 study of 38 lesbians found that, on average, they declared their love or commitment to a partner after six months. These surveys focused on heterosexual relationships. Another dating site, Elite Singles, did a poll in 2017 and found that 61 per cent of women believe in love at first sight, while 72 per cent of men do. The average time for men to fall in love is 88 days, while those same feelings of true love take women 134 days. Still, research has shed some light on what is happening in the brain when we do feel those first butterflies – and the amount of time it takes for people to fall in love.Ī 2013 survey conducted by YouGov and dating site eHarmony found that the time taken from the first date to saying “I love you” differs between men and women. It’s different for everyone and relies on all sorts of factors, from how physically attractive you find someone to whether you feel comfortable in their presence. They call it “chemistry”, but falling in love isn’t a perfect science.
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